Tuesday, 26 May 2015
Wednesday, 20 May 2015
Tuesday, 6 January 2015
Wednesday, 3 December 2014
Month 10 - Off topic - Shia LaBeouf
For this post, I am not going to write about my time in Germany. This may come later. When I decided the topic for this blog, my palms became sweaty and my heart began to race. I have been talking myself out of writing it for days however I think it needs to be said.
It has been in the news this week that Shia LaBeouf claims to have been raped. I am not his biggest fan, in fact on multiple occasions I have spoken about my dislike for him, but NOBODY deserves that. Reading through the comments on the articles, turned my stomach. I could not believe that people could be so judgemental and shaming towards someone who has gone through something so horrible. People were calling him pathetic and shaming him. Why are people being so cruel and disbelieving? Because he did not fight his attacker off, and he did not report her. After being horrified by the reactions I began to wonder, am I only so trusting of his story because I can empathise? Is it possible that most people are not aware that your own body can betray you at a time when you really need it to listen to your brain?
The day before my 16th birthday a guy in my class, a guy who I liked, a guy who I actually had a crush on asked me if I could go with him to the library. I agreed. We went to the art section which was hidden from view from the rest of the library. After a while he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. He then proceeded to kiss me, and touch me in ways I did not want him to. This was normal, this is what boyfriends do, but why was I so scared? I wanted to tell him that I had changed my mind, I wanted to tell him to stop but I didn't. I wanted to push him away and kick him in the balls, but I didn't. I stood there motionless and silent unable to respond to anything, while he did what he wanted to do to me. I hated every second of it. I was begging for someone to see us, looking up at the CCTV camera above us, hoping someone was watching and would come to tell us off. I couldn't understand why he didn't notice that this wasn't what I wanted. Then I realised that he did notice, there was no way he could think I was enjoying it, he just didn't care. Once it was over and we walked back to class he told me I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, that the guys would make fun of him for being with me because I wasn't popular, and most of them thought I was ugly. Later on in class he grabbed my arm and pulled me to the side, he told me off because I wasn't acting normal. He told me that I looked upset, that people would notice something was wrong and ask me what happened, he reminded me that I was to tell nobody, he told me that I needed to go back to my table and smile, make up another excuse to my friends as to why I looked down. So I did.
I didn't report it, technically I consented to it, I didn't fight him off but I also did not want it to happen. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that he knew exactly what he was doing. I heard a few quiet rumours in the remainder of my time at the school that he was sexually harassing other girls. Nobody reported anything.
I saw him everyday Monday - Friday. I played my part I smiled at him I pretended nothing was wrong and then I left school. He lived in the same town as me so I still saw him from time to time. The next year I had an older boyfriend, who protected me and gave me the confidence this guy stole from me. The first time he saw us together on the street coming from the opposite direction my ex-boyfriend held my hand, starred him straight in the eye with a stern look on his face, not looking away until the guy crossed to the other side of the street so to not pass us. After that he stopped talking to me, all the inappropriate side comments stopped and I could stop being afraid of him because he is nothing more than a sick pathetic coward.
What this guy did to me was extremely mild compared to the allegations Shia LaBeouf has made. I was so terrified I could not move or speak. I cannot even imagine how he was feeling. Your mind can be screaming at your body to hit them away, begging your lips to open and scream, but you find yourself shutting down, completely vulnerable and at the other person's mercy. By not believing Shia's claims, you are proving to him that it was right not to report it, and proving to other victims that they shouldn't either.
It has been in the news this week that Shia LaBeouf claims to have been raped. I am not his biggest fan, in fact on multiple occasions I have spoken about my dislike for him, but NOBODY deserves that. Reading through the comments on the articles, turned my stomach. I could not believe that people could be so judgemental and shaming towards someone who has gone through something so horrible. People were calling him pathetic and shaming him. Why are people being so cruel and disbelieving? Because he did not fight his attacker off, and he did not report her. After being horrified by the reactions I began to wonder, am I only so trusting of his story because I can empathise? Is it possible that most people are not aware that your own body can betray you at a time when you really need it to listen to your brain?
The day before my 16th birthday a guy in my class, a guy who I liked, a guy who I actually had a crush on asked me if I could go with him to the library. I agreed. We went to the art section which was hidden from view from the rest of the library. After a while he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. He then proceeded to kiss me, and touch me in ways I did not want him to. This was normal, this is what boyfriends do, but why was I so scared? I wanted to tell him that I had changed my mind, I wanted to tell him to stop but I didn't. I wanted to push him away and kick him in the balls, but I didn't. I stood there motionless and silent unable to respond to anything, while he did what he wanted to do to me. I hated every second of it. I was begging for someone to see us, looking up at the CCTV camera above us, hoping someone was watching and would come to tell us off. I couldn't understand why he didn't notice that this wasn't what I wanted. Then I realised that he did notice, there was no way he could think I was enjoying it, he just didn't care. Once it was over and we walked back to class he told me I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, that the guys would make fun of him for being with me because I wasn't popular, and most of them thought I was ugly. Later on in class he grabbed my arm and pulled me to the side, he told me off because I wasn't acting normal. He told me that I looked upset, that people would notice something was wrong and ask me what happened, he reminded me that I was to tell nobody, he told me that I needed to go back to my table and smile, make up another excuse to my friends as to why I looked down. So I did.
I didn't report it, technically I consented to it, I didn't fight him off but I also did not want it to happen. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that he knew exactly what he was doing. I heard a few quiet rumours in the remainder of my time at the school that he was sexually harassing other girls. Nobody reported anything.
I saw him everyday Monday - Friday. I played my part I smiled at him I pretended nothing was wrong and then I left school. He lived in the same town as me so I still saw him from time to time. The next year I had an older boyfriend, who protected me and gave me the confidence this guy stole from me. The first time he saw us together on the street coming from the opposite direction my ex-boyfriend held my hand, starred him straight in the eye with a stern look on his face, not looking away until the guy crossed to the other side of the street so to not pass us. After that he stopped talking to me, all the inappropriate side comments stopped and I could stop being afraid of him because he is nothing more than a sick pathetic coward.
What this guy did to me was extremely mild compared to the allegations Shia LaBeouf has made. I was so terrified I could not move or speak. I cannot even imagine how he was feeling. Your mind can be screaming at your body to hit them away, begging your lips to open and scream, but you find yourself shutting down, completely vulnerable and at the other person's mercy. By not believing Shia's claims, you are proving to him that it was right not to report it, and proving to other victims that they shouldn't either.
Saturday, 1 November 2014
Month 9
No vlog this month, my mind has been crazy busy and I forgot to really document anything I did! The theme for my previous 9 entries has been me wandering aimlessly through Germany asking for a big sign to jump out and give me direction. Unfortunately the sign was not exactly what I was hoping for, these days I do not consider myself to be a religious or even spiritual person, but I do believe in fate. Too much evidence has presented itself for me to ignore it. Whether it was meeting a random South African outside a nightclub in New York City, who just happened to have gone to a house party in London with some school friends of mine, these friends mind, did not actually live in London, instead 2 hours west of it. Or starting to work for a company just to pay bills and save up to move to Germany and finding a career option I had never even considered, was actually something I thrived in. I moved here with a solid plan, I would work as an Au-Pair for 2 or so years, learn German, study to be a kindergarten teacher, meet a nice German man, have bilingual German children and live happily ever after in Frankfurt. Fate obviously had different ideas clue number 1, despite all my planning and searching for a family near Frankfurt I matched with a family in Karlsruhe, which is 150 km away from where I wanted to be. Clue number 2, this match ultimately failed. Clue number 3, studying to be a kindergarten teacher suddenly became very unappealing to me, no idea why, in fact until writing this blog I had completely forgotten about it, the thought hadn't even entered my conciousness for the last 6 months or so. Clue number 3, 2 very bad German courses teaching me virtually nothing. Clue number 4, when I finally decided on the course I wanted to do, it was virtually impossible to find a course in Germany that a) I could afford and b) I would actually be accepted into. Clue number 5, despite living in Germany, I have yet to meet any Germans my own age whom I could actually become friends with. Clue number 6, I have wanted a little sister for pretty much as long as I remember, and last month my Dad and his wife granted that wish. I found myself clinging onto to Germany with my claws, yet feeling all of these forces pulling me away from it. Therefore I have finally decided that although I love this country, it is not the place for me.
After making this decision I visited England, and wondered why the hell I was trying so hard to run away from it. I like England, I like English culture, I like the way English people treat each other, I like the way you can work your way up in a job, I like how pretty it is, I like being able to open my mouth in a shop and not wonder if I am making any sense or not, I like being able to see my friends whenever I want, I like doing the same with my family. As if I needed more convincing, meeting my little baby sister kind of put it all into place for me. I almost feel embarrassed to say it but after holding her for just 10 minutes I fell completely in love with her, she is so precious and tiny. I found myself awing over every facial expression she made, and feeling this great sense of loss when I left my Dad's house, even though I knew I would see her in the morning. I knew that I would always be there to protect her, and above all I knew that there was no way I was going to miss out on being there as she grows up.
So with great relief I have decided to move back to England next April! It honestly feels like a massive weight off my mind and I am incredibly excited about it. Now I can enjoy my precious last months here without constantly worrying what the future holds for me.
After making this decision I visited England, and wondered why the hell I was trying so hard to run away from it. I like England, I like English culture, I like the way English people treat each other, I like the way you can work your way up in a job, I like how pretty it is, I like being able to open my mouth in a shop and not wonder if I am making any sense or not, I like being able to see my friends whenever I want, I like doing the same with my family. As if I needed more convincing, meeting my little baby sister kind of put it all into place for me. I almost feel embarrassed to say it but after holding her for just 10 minutes I fell completely in love with her, she is so precious and tiny. I found myself awing over every facial expression she made, and feeling this great sense of loss when I left my Dad's house, even though I knew I would see her in the morning. I knew that I would always be there to protect her, and above all I knew that there was no way I was going to miss out on being there as she grows up.
So with great relief I have decided to move back to England next April! It honestly feels like a massive weight off my mind and I am incredibly excited about it. Now I can enjoy my precious last months here without constantly worrying what the future holds for me.
Wednesday, 1 October 2014
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