No vlog this month, my mind has been crazy busy and I forgot to really document anything I did! The theme for my previous 9 entries has been me wandering aimlessly through Germany asking for a big sign to jump out and give me direction. Unfortunately the sign was not exactly what I was hoping for, these days I do not consider myself to be a religious or even spiritual person, but I do believe in fate. Too much evidence has presented itself for me to ignore it. Whether it was meeting a random South African outside a nightclub in New York City, who just happened to have gone to a house party in London with some school friends of mine, these friends mind, did not actually live in London, instead 2 hours west of it. Or starting to work for a company just to pay bills and save up to move to Germany and finding a career option I had never even considered, was actually something I thrived in. I moved here with a solid plan, I would work as an Au-Pair for 2 or so years, learn German, study to be a kindergarten teacher, meet a nice German man, have bilingual German children and live happily ever after in Frankfurt. Fate obviously had different ideas clue number 1, despite all my planning and searching for a family near Frankfurt I matched with a family in Karlsruhe, which is 150 km away from where I wanted to be. Clue number 2, this match ultimately failed. Clue number 3, studying to be a kindergarten teacher suddenly became very unappealing to me, no idea why, in fact until writing this blog I had completely forgotten about it, the thought hadn't even entered my conciousness for the last 6 months or so. Clue number 3, 2 very bad German courses teaching me virtually nothing. Clue number 4, when I finally decided on the course I wanted to do, it was virtually impossible to find a course in Germany that a) I could afford and b) I would actually be accepted into. Clue number 5, despite living in Germany, I have yet to meet any Germans my own age whom I could actually become friends with. Clue number 6, I have wanted a little sister for pretty much as long as I remember, and last month my Dad and his wife granted that wish. I found myself clinging onto to Germany with my claws, yet feeling all of these forces pulling me away from it. Therefore I have finally decided that although I love this country, it is not the place for me.
After making this decision I visited England, and wondered why the hell I was trying so hard to run away from it. I like England, I like English culture, I like the way English people treat each other, I like the way you can work your way up in a job, I like how pretty it is, I like being able to open my mouth in a shop and not wonder if I am making any sense or not, I like being able to see my friends whenever I want, I like doing the same with my family. As if I needed more convincing, meeting my little baby sister kind of put it all into place for me. I almost feel embarrassed to say it but after holding her for just 10 minutes I fell completely in love with her, she is so precious and tiny. I found myself awing over every facial expression she made, and feeling this great sense of loss when I left my Dad's house, even though I knew I would see her in the morning. I knew that I would always be there to protect her, and above all I knew that there was no way I was going to miss out on being there as she grows up.
So with great relief I have decided to move back to England next April! It honestly feels like a massive weight off my mind and I am incredibly excited about it. Now I can enjoy my precious last months here without constantly worrying what the future holds for me.
After making this decision I visited England, and wondered why the hell I was trying so hard to run away from it. I like England, I like English culture, I like the way English people treat each other, I like the way you can work your way up in a job, I like how pretty it is, I like being able to open my mouth in a shop and not wonder if I am making any sense or not, I like being able to see my friends whenever I want, I like doing the same with my family. As if I needed more convincing, meeting my little baby sister kind of put it all into place for me. I almost feel embarrassed to say it but after holding her for just 10 minutes I fell completely in love with her, she is so precious and tiny. I found myself awing over every facial expression she made, and feeling this great sense of loss when I left my Dad's house, even though I knew I would see her in the morning. I knew that I would always be there to protect her, and above all I knew that there was no way I was going to miss out on being there as she grows up.
So with great relief I have decided to move back to England next April! It honestly feels like a massive weight off my mind and I am incredibly excited about it. Now I can enjoy my precious last months here without constantly worrying what the future holds for me.
